giving thanks

I'm so thankful that my baby girl successfully completed the first grade.  Yesterday, was her last day.  We had some hard mornings, days, and evenings but most importantly, we survived.  Now I can't believe that she will be entering gifted and talented 2nd grade.  I'm thankful that I was successful with my school endeavors and can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Both she and I excelled this school year even with our trials and I'm extremely humbled and thankful.  Now I'm looking forward to a happy, fun summer to rejuvenate and get ready for the next school year.

Give thanks

salutations earthlings!

Read this in one of my meditation books today and thought I'd share:

Four steps to expanding your understanding of spiritual truths:

1.) Study-read or listen to spiritual teachings about the truth.

2.) Reflect-contemplate the deeper meaning of the words.

3.) Apply-use the teachings in life.

4.) Integrate-become one with knowledge.

um wow

I don't necessarily believe in these dream dictionary type thingy's, but I cannot get this dream out of my head.  So I just googled it out of curiosity; I'm a little floored, I cant even lie. Because it is in perfect alignment with my theory from my previous blog.  See below:

Cantaloupe

Whether they were growing in the field, on the vine, or harvested, these delightful melons signify love, peace, and prosperity; however, if you dreamed of eating cantaloupe, it signifies a minor physical upset.

Interesting...

cantaloupe dreams

So I had the craziest dream last night.  I never liked the fruit cantaloupe when I was younger.  My gran (RIP), however, absolutely loved cantaloupe.  I mean she would tear a bowl of the fruit up in a heartbeat.  So as I got older, and she became more dependent, I would feed her cantaloupe.  One day, I decided to take another shot at eating some, and I nibbled a few pieces off of her fork.  I immediately fell in love with cantaloupe.  I sat and enjoyed a bowl with my gran. We sat silently and contentedly eating our fruit.  She and I communicated without communicating our love for each other. That memory didn't come back until this am, when I was remembering my crazy dream from last night. 

I was in a backyard,  I think it was my moms backyard.  There were bountiful amounts of cantaloupe hanging from the porch and trees everywhere filled with big juicy cantaloupes.  My aunt Lucille (on my dads side) was on a ladder, picking some of the fruit from the trees.  I was looking up at her and talking.  Aunty Lucille gave me some seeds to plant my own cantaloupe.  I began planting them right there in my moms backyard.  Not even five minutes later, the cantaloupe started growing right in front of my eyes.  I mean they were huge, and the more I removed, the more kept coming.  That was the end of my dream.

I'm taking this as a message from my gran(RIP).Bountiful fruits (monetary, spiritually, physically,relationship) are on their way. I just have to plant the seeds. Change is coming and I need not worry myself. Prosperity is in the works, not only for me, but my family and I will be the root. I'm listening gran.  Thank you in advance.

vibratory

Today, I am holding a vibratory meditation.  In every action, I will be rhythmic.   In every word spoken,  I will be resounding.  In every breath taken,  I will fill my lungs with thanks and praise.  Vibratory meditation.

In this day, I claim greatness.
Ashe

Giving myself grief

I felt real shitty yesterday.  My daughter's 1st grade graduation was yesterday and I could not make it.  I had to work.  I wish someone, if not me, was there to support her.  When I picked her up from school, the first thing she said was "Mommie, I'm mad at you."  Then she proceeded to list all of her classmates parents, who were in attendance.  I felt like crap.  It was just circumstances that I can't control.  I am a single mother. Her dad is not here.  So I apologized a million and one times to her, and tried to explain why mommie could not make it in hopes that she would have some sort of understanding.  Idk, I just needed to get this out, so that I could stop replaying that conversation in my head.  I know if I could have made it, I would.  Note to self, I'm catching a cold for the next big event in her school.  I cant deal with that feeling again.   Now back to thinking light.

Respect my Hueman

Yo, I bleed blood too
Please remove me from your pedestal
And quit telling me, I'm acting brand new
When I get angry
Cuz you used to seeing me smile
Damn
Can't a good girl, be a bitch once in a while?
Yes, I choose happiness
Yes, I choose drama free
But still,  please allow me to be me
I didn't ask for expectations
I have none of you
Please let this Hueman
Woman
Have her moment too
Before long, I'll return to happy
But in the meantime
Respect my space
We each need our time and place
When the sun aint always shining
Sometimes the rain must fall
To fertilize
Our seeds planted
But know there's growth from it all
So will you remove me from your pedestal?
And know that I, too must err
Yo, I bleed blood too
My perfect, imperfections
I willingly share

Signed Angry Black Woman-Hero

Fuck Amerikkka
Home to the heroes and house negroes
Bred on a land saturated with
Our Mother's aborted births
Our Father's diluted manhood
Fuck Amerikkka
What have you done for me lately?
No, I'm not Ms. Jackson
But this CUNTry got my brothas
Singing sorry Ms. Jackson
Like a remixed negro spiritual
Jobless
Homeless
Hopeless
Fuck Amerikkka
Home to the heroes and house negroes
Some choose to rebel
Hero
Some choose to conform
House Negro
Shall we overcome
By any means necessary?
Ashe'
El Hajj and King
Would agree
Why can't we

TRUTH BE TOLD

I was so excited/passionate about starting this blog.  But I have not posted as much as I thought I would.  So many thoughts zoom in and out of my mind like asteroids in the solar system, its hard to push pause and actually articulate.  My commitment though, is to try harder, but not force it.  When you force a thing, it breaks.  I just gotta let it flow like water. As fine ass Bruce Lee (rip) says,  "be water my friend".  So lately I been thinking about ME.  My likes, dislikes, ism's, and skism's.  We all have them.  Thought I'd share a few of mine.  Like to hear it? Hear it go?

I am bass ackwards. 
  and i like it.

I've always considered myself to be an old soul (thanks Gran)

During my younger school days, i was always the one to run away from the fights,  stay the hell out of mess, and be friends with the "underdog"

In high school,  I thought I was Left Eye from TLC for a lil bit.

I used to eat the hell out of ice and be standing in front the oven while eating it.

Terrible liars raise your hand
***both hands raised***   so i just dont lie

I consider my middle name to be "plain jane"

I always wished I could sing

I'm a flirt

I love the thrill of "the chase"
I have way too many journals with unfinished thoughts/phrases/poems.

I love to write, but get in the way of my own thoughts more often than not

Never considered myself a writer, poet, or hella deep.  AND my confidence level to put my writings "out there" is pretty low especially when I know so many of my artists/poet friends are REALLY good.

I'm more comfy talking to my dad about VARIOUS subjects than my mom.

Hate the fact, that its really difficult to make women friends. 

Will never trust a man or woman who can not look me in the eyes

Grew up with mostly mexicans

Often wonder how my life would have been different if I grew up in Cali or Third Ward

I have absolutely NO sense of direction

I think a man's forearm is the sexiest part of his body...then his walk.  I check those two things first

I am not super experienced in the realm of relationships

I used to eat Mac and Cheese for breakfast every morning

I worked at Target and used to steal during hard times (The creator knew my heart)--- unapologetic for my theft

I was never a latchkey kid mainly because we never had any need to lock our door at home.  Nor did we have keys to the damn doors....
**shits changed since then***

I was in the drill team in HS....the token black girl.

I would charge all the white girls five dollars each,  when they wanted their hair braided for the friday football games.

I was always the last one to get picked up from practice because we did not own a car.

After being in a 8 yr relationship( my first, my daughter's father, and I never cheated on him), I couldnt imagine rushing into another

But now 6 years later,  I THINK I'm ready.  That might change if  it rains.

I am often ALL over the place,  there is so much I want to learn.

But sometimes, taking in so much info,  I forget what i've learned.... (defeats the purposed)

Lately, been really getting into auras, dreams, meditation and the like.  ---finding it as my comfort zones.

Never used to really remember my dreams,  but now they are becoming more clear and memorable and boy are they weeeeiiiirrddd.

I can appreciate a good hard slap on the ass

Or a morning "alarm clock"

So not opposed to trying new things sexually.  Mainly out of curiousity after being with one person for 8yrs, one can only imagine.

I LOVE my family.

Was afraid of death for a long time, until I was forced to embrace and celebrate it.

I'm a good girl, but i've had my heart broken and my ego crushed.

I'm good at bouncing back though. 

Being a single mom is so challenging.  With a girl child, I often times find myself wanting to slap the shit out of her, choke the shit out her, and body slam her. But then she looks at me with those eyes.

And she is my proudest accomplishment to date.

I get super impatient with myself, when I find my life is not moving in the direction I want it to quick enough.

Never really like clothes shopping.  I am a purse, shoes, and lip chap junkie tho.

Been having really scary dreams lately of my house being broken into while me and my daughter are sleeping.

Still reallly wanna learn how to sew,  be a yoga instructor,  massage thereapists,  own a vegan cafe,  and finish my damn degree.

I'm a picky eater.  Textures and certain smells, just dont do it for me.

Sometimes i'm a laugh away from crying.

Sometimes I need a good kick in the ass, to get motivated

I'm terrible at preliminaries, but I once I get started there's no stopping

damn, are you bored yet?  I am .... unitl next time...... peace.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust......

Death, was always something that I feared for lack of understanding. I celeberate it now as a natural piece in this pie of life.  And thus.....

The Obituary

I observe them from time to time

As if reading a book

But creating my own storyline

Each face stares intently

Each face a parable

A lie

Did they live a life full of them?

A truth

Did they seek their own?

An unknown

Perhaps a lost, troubled soul?

A gracious smile

As if the fear of death, never entered their heart

A firm grimace

As if sick of life, and ready to depart

A morbid frown

As if to say, "death I'm going down with a fight"

I'm not ready to take flight

Some faceless

Retired from sight

Reserved only in memory

The Obituary

The verbiage

Last words in the gazette

One or two sentences

"Graveside services with military honor"

Was this death more honorable than the next?

The Obituary

Timeless

Gone, but not forgotten

Timely

Each face, has its season

Timed

Past, present, future

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Fly free these souls

And settle where they must

HIS-story

So i've know this cat since before high school.  I remember spending summers at my cousin's house and he lived in the same neighborhood.  He would cook me french fries and bring them down to my cousin's house. (With mayonnaise, because he knew I liked french fries and mayonnaise).  We actually met at at party.  He went to Lee High school and I went to Sterling.  I was never really into boys in HS, so we were truly just friends.  Around sophomore year, he transferred to Sterling, so I saw him everyday.  Still we never hooked up, we were just really cool.  So after high school,  I moved to California and we still stayed in touch.  We just always had that friendshp connection.  Unfortunately, when I met my ex,  me and my friend lost touch.  I had not heard from in years.  I moved back to Texas in 2003 and we re-connected in 2005.  Apparently he had been through quite a lot in the years we were not in touch. I mean a lot like and out of jail a lot.  When  we re-connected though,  he seemed to back on the right path.  In 2005, I was really at a low, depressing point in my life.  I had just gotten out of a long relationship and new to single-motherhood.  Well my friend was there for me.  He listened just when I needed someone outside of my family to listen.  He was definitely a shoulder to cry on.  And it became more than a shoulder at some point.  We crossed THAT line.   It seemed natural, as we had so much history and it was fun.  I kept things really light emotion-wise because I knew I didn't want a relationship after just coming out of something so intense.  But he "caught feelings"  and it really put a strain on our friendship.  Somehow, though we made it through that trial.  As a matter of fact, I think he had gotten a girlfriend which made things easier.  Well he went back to his old ways and bad decisions and ended up getting in trouble again.  Next thing I know he is in jail.  Then prison.  I visited him in jail, as it was just minutes away from my job.  As a friend, I did what I could to be supportive to him.  Then he was transferred to prison.  I used to write regularly,  but I found myself writing about the same things.  "Keep your head up"  " I pray you make it out soon"  type letters. It was starting to depress me. Moreso, because I know the type of cat he is, so much potential just gone down the drain.   So I stopped writing and now I feel bad about.  I realized HIS-story,  had nothing to do with our history.  As friends,  we will always have history.  But his choices has made HIS-story real fucked up. Now every time I try to write, its like all the ink in my pen dries up. I have no words, and I'm saddened by this.  Its like I dont want to tell him what good is going on for me out in the "free" world.  Not that he wouldn't be happy for me,  but I just know he is in there. So I'm making yet another attempt to put something on paper for my friend.  I know he would appreciate a letter.  But it is truly a struggle.

old, but new to contemplative ventilation

Amerikkkan Sheeple

7.16.10

Das dat forty acres and a mule type ignant

Signed, sealed, and delivered

Receiving only the bliss they choose to

Feed our minds type ignant

Fallin for the okie doke

Conforming to ways unnatural to God and

Goddessess  type ignant

Conkin our hair to look like theirs

Cursing the earth

By instilling fear

In each otha

Type ignant

Das dat forty acres and a mule type ignant

Falling for the okie doke

That nigga, bitch, hoe, fried chicken, and pork chop

Type ignant

Feed ourselves poison mentally and

Physically

Amerikkka still herding us on da plantation

We free, but unwilling to unite as a nation

Of Kings and Queens

Communicating the unseen through our third

Eye

Now blinded by dat type ignant