I Knew

I loved him
When I felt that feeling
I felt
Preparing dinner and
Enjoyed watching him
Enjoy it
I experienced pleasure
In letting him have the pleasure
Of
Tasting my hand.

preggo talk

So one of my coworkers had her baby today and I am extremely happy and excited for her.  Motherhood is a journey for women who have been blessed enough to embark on the ups and down of pregnancy, labor and delivery, post partum, sleepless nights, and 18+ yrs of child rearing.  It truly is a beautiful experience.  Thinking of my coworker, made me really reminiscent of when I was preggo.  I really loved being pregnant and enjoyed every bit of the experience from the making of baby girl :), to the pregnancy, to the labor and delivery and  now to this day the joy of being a mother.  There is not one thing I would change about any of it. As a matter of fact, I would love to have another baby.
Well the rest of my coworkers were in disbelief when I mentioned the above to them.  "Oh hell naw, girl."   "I would never go through that again."  "My shop is closed".  You get the idea.  Even still, we continued our conversation about our birth experiences and it struck me how comfortable we all were talking in details as to the goings on of our pregnancies. It made me think, that pregnancy is such a common bond among only a special group of women who have been so blessed to experience it, good or bad.  Nobody knows what it is to have another life inside of you wiggling around and kicking,  or to have your boobies grow to Guinness book sizes, until you have actually had that feeling.  It is truly a unique experience and I guess that's why we are so comfortable talking about it amongst each other.  We can all relate.  Anyway, I'm wishing my coworker the best on her journey of motherhood and can not wait to have some preggo talk with her.  

did you miss me?

I've been contemplating lately on the disheartening fact that my daughter and her peers will never get to experience the true feeling of actually missing each other. With today's modern technologies and social networkings,  all one needs is the push of a button to find out if a friend is brushing their teeth or on vacation. While social networking does have it's benefits, such as catching up with family and friends in far places or even helping individuals find that "dream job", I also view it as an ever increasing gap for hueman interaction.  Whatever happened to a phone call, a handwritten letter, or just ole' plain in person conversation? Back in my younger days, my nickname was "phonica".  I enjoyed talking with my peers for long periods of time and   actually hearing a voice and laughter on the receiving end, and I was content with not knowing their every move. At then end of our conversation, I had time to ponder on our discussion without flipping on a computer to see what they were doing next. I had time to miss my friends.  Today, I have succumbed to facebook and twitter and although I may not always partake in the goings on, I would be fronting if I didnt say I wasnt intrigued. Even as I blog this, Im letting someone into my personal mind space if anyone chooses to read.  So I can imagine by the time, my daughter reaches the age where she can socially network. There will be innumerable ways to access information.  Nowadays, I think the best thing I can do is continue planting the seed in my daughter to appreciate people outside of a computer monitor or cell phone device. Teach her to not take people for granted,  demand her space, and respect other's space.  Most importantly, I will lead by example. Let me start by reaching out to some of my friends in person :).

=

In my mind's eye
I hover with butterflies
Yet my feet are firmly planted
The heavens
Massage my shoulders
Whilst warm sands
Dance with my toes
During these moments
I smile
Content with the
Inner and outer
Balance
Destined to be mine

IM NOT CHA' GIRL

 I have a lot of guy friends.  Granted.  However, I always make it clear that if you can not deal with the friend "box", then you gotsta push on.  If i'm interested in a guy, i'm not afraid to make it known.  So last night, I had to have THAT discussion with a guy friend, whom I actually have mad history with. He's cool, smart, talented, a lil' crazy(im convinced) but he's not for me in any other form other than a cool friend.  We rode to the Dead Prez concert together and he was trying to hug up on me in public.  Now i'm all for affection with the right person, but me and dude aint like that.  So I had to ask him to kindly remove his arms from around my shoulder, please dont touch my waist, and please stop standing so close to me.  As I type this, I realize it sounds pretty bitchy, maybe a little snobbish.  But his affectionate attempts made me really uncomfortable especially since I didnt give him the green light to be "that way."  Well I think he got a little offended when I told him that we would never be on "that" level. I'm just not interested in him like that.  Thankfully he eased off the "affection" and we enjoyed the rest of our night.
So today, I'm checking myself like what part did I play, if any, in him thinking that it was even cool to try going that route with me?  Being the natural flirt, that I am, I have not even flirted with him. Maybe because we rode together, he thought it was a date?  I dont know, I just saw it as him needing a ride to the same spot I was going to. lol.  Regardless, it made me really uncomfortable.  I realized although I always say and usually mean, I dont care what people think; it bothered what people might think.  I'm extremely single, and I didnt want it to seem otherwise. I had to let my friend know that there was no possible way we could ever be together and I was sorry if he had some secret hope stored away deep down. The funny thing is I did not even feel bad about breaking it down to him like I did because it was the honest truth and I'm sure he will appreciate my honesty in the long run.  Thankfully we are good enough friends, to get past whatever "that" was last night.

release

And just like that, my frustration is gone.  Simply, I choose to not give that innerg so much power.  Give thanks to the universe for providing me with clarity and overstanding in all my humanness. 

frustrated

A little frustrated today, but I know the universe will bring me back to balance.  It sucks when folks see you are at peace and willingly and forcefully try to derail you from that peace.  I've been really cool with my daughter's father, but it seems as though he's really trying hard to make me SEEM like that " bitter baby momma".  When its really quite the opposite.  I have so many reasons, to which I will not name for sake of putting ALL my business out there, that I could really have him hanging by his clitoris (yes, clitoris).  But I'm not really one for drama. I've been hella cool with the cat, and he's taking it for granted.  I guess at this point, I'm just humbling myself to the universe so that I can maintain my cool and respond instead of react.  I'm trusting the universe will do me this one solid, cuz I'm struggling today.

one of my favorite meditations...enjoy

Random

As much as my mother pisses me off sometimes, I love her to pieces. And I really like that she thinks I'm funny.  She always says in her trini accent,  "Gyal you could talk shit".  It makes me smile and feel honored to be the source of a genuine gut laugh for her.  I feel she, like no other, appreciates me and my sometimes quirky and sarcastic comments.  I never realized how much I enjoy her laughing at my jokes until right now.  The funny thing is most of the time, I'm not consciously trying to make her laugh, im usually just making an out loud observation.  She gets it though.  She gets me.  I am from her.  I love her.

Update

Haven't blogged in a little bit, so I just thought I'd give a quick update.  It's crazy how things fall into place, when you stop questioning and let IT be sometimes.  I do much better when I trust my intuition and quit fretting.  Over the past couple months, I've really taken time to get to know me even better.  I've had a lot of time to think, and reflect and it's been all good.  I've been meeting with my trainer and that alone has shown me that I'm stronger than I think I am.  Both physically and mentally.  He kicked my butt, and I persevered and welcomed his challenges.  Now originally,  I just wanted to keep up with getting in shape, but now I realize I've been prepping myself for something even greater which is my yoga training.  I didn't correlate the two in the beginning.  But it came to me, when I was meditating one day.  Physically strengthening myself for this training is a necessity and is being accomplished right now.  I've learned so much about the body and it's reactions with my trainer and I know I will be able to incorporate this knowledge when its comes time to train for yoga.  So I'm grateful for my athletic training experience.  It was meant to happen, when it happened and will continue to happen.  And I feel great to boot!